Recently the people on the Scunthorpe Telegraph newspaper and website were asked to name their favourite Chip Shop in the area.

I did this myself, voting for Excel Fisheries on Rowland Road, Scunthorpe. It’s a great chippy and I have been going there for the best part of 20 years. It has improved by quite a margin since the owner took a back seat to pursue other interests, leaving his misses to do the cooking. Good move in my opinion because even though the chips are OK when he cooks, she actually puts a bit of colour in them!

Anyway, the good people of Scunny voted and a chippy of which I have not frequented was a clear winner…

Newland Fryer, Newland Ave, Scunthorpe.

There were a couple of chippies mentioned that I have had the pleasure/displeasure to eat their offerings. The one at Messingham which is good if a little shy with the chips – you need two portions if you’re hungry. Carvers which is shit but immensely popular and Harry’s on Frodingham road, Good, and now the goto chippy in that area since Wilsons (a few years ago the best chippy in town) was shut for Health grounds – Rats and their droppings, enough said.

So, hungry, off I went to Newland Ave and waited in line for my portion of Haddock, Chips and Peas. The off back home for the feast.

Oh how the people of this fine town are wrong. So wrong they are Wrongy McWrong from Wrong town on national lets not be Right day.

On opening the bag the paper was wet with grease. OK you get a bit of this in pretty much any chippy, but the paper was especially wet. Not a good start.

The fish was small. I know catches in the North Sea and Atlantic are declining but the Haddock is a massive fish. If I had gone in and asked for Stickleback I would have been happy with the size. OK so it was small, I have had smaller, but it was tasteless. Flaky white meat held a promise the poor fish that gave it’s life for this moment couldn’t live up to. Sometimes a tasteless fish is saved but the batter it’s clothed in. Not this time, again tasteless. It must be the fat they cook in as you can’t really mess up the recipe for batter. Flour, Salt and water. Maybe the salt police got to them and they missed that out. I don’t know. All I know is the finished product, sat swimming in it’s own pool of grease, tasted less than the paper it was wrapped in.

The peas didn’t taste of bugger all either. As you can see from the picture above, they had plenty of that bright green colour we have come to love and expect from chippy peas, just no flavour.

Now the chips…

What is it that a triumvirate of foodstuffs – Fish, Potato, Pea – can simultaneously look reasonably fine, if a little shiny, be so uninspiring and bland? They were firm and visually cooked to a nice crisp outer. Surprisingly the inner wasn’t mushy like the chips from Carvers. But, and I am beginning to sound like a broken record here, tasteless.

A few hours after the disappointing meal I still had a greasy mouth texture and had to go clean my teeth. Also felt a little queasy, although this could be attributed to the large amount of Fanta drunk to rid me of the foul after affects.

I didn’t finish the meal. Which if you know me you know I can’t abide wasted food.

Verdict

Fish: 4/10 – Chips: 4/10 – Peas 3/10

Recommend? No, go somewhere else.

Food glorious food. I love food, I have tried the meats of quite a few animals –for example: beef, lamb, bacon – oh the bacon – pork, gammon, chicken, goose, duck, partridge, horse, ostrich, venison or curries made of indeterminate breed or species – all delicious. I have tried fruits from around the globe – too numerous to list, all delicious. I have enjoyed vegetables, nuts, grains, pulses and beans of all shapes and sizes that have been presented to me hot and cold – including the truly wonderful Brussels Sprout. Again all delicious.

I would say my favourite ‘type’ of food is seafood. I have a passion for fish, Sea Bass being my No.1 cooked fish and Yellow fin Tuna my preference raw. All kinds of seafood from prawns to whelks; Razor fish to Octopus.

I am getting hungry so enough with the lists, you get it – I like food. Oooh I just thought of toast.

Anyway…

I have sampled cooking from most genres – English, French, Indian, Chinese, Greek, Italian, Cajun, American, Japanese, Thai, Barbeque to name a few.

However there is one foodstuff that is truly and without question the most evil substance with calorific value… the loathsome coconut.

I have had an aversion to this white seed for as long as I can remember. It is all things to do with it. Yes the taste is something I would not like if that was it. But it’s also the texture. If however the coconut is desiccated then a whole extra level of unpleasant is piled on top.

To describe the texture of desiccated coconut I have a little story. Back in the day my wife had a green skirt. This green skirt was made from, if memory serves, polyester. Now we have all worn something made from or with polyester. However this green skirt was made of a polyester with remarkable properties. It had a kind of nap. When dry it was soft and, I don’t know – furry?

Wet straight out of the washing machine however, it took on a strange touch. If you rubbed it between your fingers it had the ability to render your whole arm numb. Tingly at first in the fingers and then just plain numb. That in a nutshell is coconut (‘scuse the intended pun)

It’s like that sound you get when you scrape a knife on a plate. I know it’s a bit tenuous to liken a texture to a sound but you get the metaphor.

I can just about stomach coconut milk in curries, but not coconut flesh. No Korma for me then.

Don’t even show me a Bounty either. I would rather lick the bottom of an ashtray.