Oh the much maligned, much loved, marmite of the vegetable world – the Brussels Sprout. How I love thee. You little green ball of tastiness.

It’s that time of year again – Xmas – and these little buggers come out in their bright green coats by the million. A good thing if like me you can’t get enough of ‘em.

Recently I found myself in a Toby Carvery next to the hotel we were staying in. Now as previous posts will attest I loves me some Sunday dinner. I don’t mind which franchise (Toby or Crown) they have their strengths and weaknesses, but Toby – to their credit – do Sprouts at this time of year.

So we eat the carvery on the Monday which includes plenty of Sprouts. Due to our inherent laziness, and the fact that I was down with a cold we did the same Tuesday. Nice

Lots of sprouts then. I mean a lot, I can easily eat a plate full with a nice gravy and a splash of bread sauce. Hungry?

So the next night me and m’colleague went, as a change, to the TGI Fridays down the road. To our surprise there was a choice of three hotels near here and as we were going to be working again in the vicinity we thought it would be an idea to ask about rooms. As we came out of the eating establishment we walked over to the Holiday Inn Express to ask.

Now as I have had two nights of Brussels which, as we all know have ‘side-effects’ – and now a mahoosive rack of the most delicious, tender, sweet, fat-free, cooked to perfection ribs – which in me also have the same ‘side-effect’…

I needed to fart.

Being the polite old duffer that I am I reasoned that to stop me blowing off with any noise or smell, I’d better step outside. This meant exiting through a double set of sliding doors. So I did. Unfortunately this arrangement of plate glass opening panels created a vestibule of echo and amplification. I got outside and thinking they were closed – let rip.

It was a good and wholesome botty cough and I was proud and a little amused at my gaseous exchange. Turning round I noticed to my utter amusement the doors were not closed. I walked off into the car park laughing.

M’colleague still in the foyer of the hotel had to ask about rooms and tariffs whilst everybody was looking at the staff who, knowing he had come in with me, were sporting displeased expressions. They had stopped mid sentence/action to see which filthy bugger had farted so loudly and lengthily. That would be me.

So yes, Brussels famous for generating wind so indeed. It will not stop me eating them. In fact it probably increases my consumption. So when you have your Sprouts don’t forget…

Let it out Load and Proud.

Well I seem to have stumbled into the finest sausage to pass these slobbering lips. Sainsbury’s Ultimate Outdoor Bread Pork Sausages from their taste the difference range – packaging shown above. They have 97% pork in them. That’s right 97%. Most bangers have 40-50% and the rest is crap they get off the carcass.

There is, as I type, a programme on Channel 4 called Food. It is hosted by the inimitable Jay Rayner. It has been an eye opener and very informative.

Anyway on one of the episodes they talked about sausages. I love sausages and especially like the Lincolnshire sausage – only sage, no parsley or thyme please – but I do like a nice pork one.

Trouble is I’m a crap cook and especially bad at bangers. I either have stripes – as if they were octagonal and there were alternating bands of burnt and raw or burnt all the way round. Not very appetizing for sure. I like to fry but health dictates grill (broil for our American Cousins)

Onto the 97 percenters. I grilled them, but I stood by the grill and gently turned them often and with tongs. No stripage or black bits, cooked all the way through.

Holy shit. What a banger. They were pure meat. There was no gristle, there was no obvious filler. They were nice and firm to the touch. Not greasy or fatty in any way. Biting into them was a joy but the taste. They actually tasted of pork. I have never tasted a sausage that tasted of pork. There was a hint of pepper, onion and a smidge of sage. Not spicy just seasoned right. Delicious.

I hope they continue to offer these delights as I’m hooked. Even the youngest of my offspring loves ‘em and she normally shies away from my chubby monstrosities.

Next time I will fry them, I came across a technique that may work. I also want to try the others in the range. Obviously this require me to sample the Lincs. I think I’m up to the challenge and am willing to take one for the team.

Sausage heaven at last. It’s not often you find a product exactly how you would make one yourself but this is it. They go perfectly with mash, however I might try them in a casserole.

So in conclusion if you like a good porker try these, you’ll love ‘em.

Food glorious food. I love food, I have tried the meats of quite a few animals –for example: beef, lamb, bacon – oh the bacon – pork, gammon, chicken, goose, duck, partridge, horse, ostrich, venison or curries made of indeterminate breed or species – all delicious. I have tried fruits from around the globe – too numerous to list, all delicious. I have enjoyed vegetables, nuts, grains, pulses and beans of all shapes and sizes that have been presented to me hot and cold – including the truly wonderful Brussels Sprout. Again all delicious.

I would say my favourite ‘type’ of food is seafood. I have a passion for fish, Sea Bass being my No.1 cooked fish and Yellow fin Tuna my preference raw. All kinds of seafood from prawns to whelks; Razor fish to Octopus.

I am getting hungry so enough with the lists, you get it – I like food. Oooh I just thought of toast.

Anyway…

I have sampled cooking from most genres – English, French, Indian, Chinese, Greek, Italian, Cajun, American, Japanese, Thai, Barbeque to name a few.

However there is one foodstuff that is truly and without question the most evil substance with calorific value… the loathsome coconut.

I have had an aversion to this white seed for as long as I can remember. It is all things to do with it. Yes the taste is something I would not like if that was it. But it’s also the texture. If however the coconut is desiccated then a whole extra level of unpleasant is piled on top.

To describe the texture of desiccated coconut I have a little story. Back in the day my wife had a green skirt. This green skirt was made from, if memory serves, polyester. Now we have all worn something made from or with polyester. However this green skirt was made of a polyester with remarkable properties. It had a kind of nap. When dry it was soft and, I don’t know – furry?

Wet straight out of the washing machine however, it took on a strange touch. If you rubbed it between your fingers it had the ability to render your whole arm numb. Tingly at first in the fingers and then just plain numb. That in a nutshell is coconut (‘scuse the intended pun)

It’s like that sound you get when you scrape a knife on a plate. I know it’s a bit tenuous to liken a texture to a sound but you get the metaphor.

I can just about stomach coconut milk in curries, but not coconut flesh. No Korma for me then.

Don’t even show me a Bounty either. I would rather lick the bottom of an ashtray.

So me and my youngest Daughter are having our Tea* in McDonalds and I was casually reading the menu. I noticed the breakfast menu had Bacon Roll with Heinz Tomato Ketchup.

I said “that’s wrong – bacon butties should be with Brown Sauce” but she pointed out that they go equally well with Ketchup.

This got us thinking and we couldn’t come up with a food or meal that you couldn’t/shouldn’t put Ketchup on

(no puddings)

Can you?