My favourite meal from an Indian restaurant at the moment is Chicken Tikka Biryani (Cooked with basmati rice, flavoured with saffron, served with vegetable curry.)

It’s just as I like a curry – not spicy hot but a little zing. I like flavour not heat. I used to go through hot curries like there was no tomorrow; Vindaloo, Madras etc. However I have discovered the reason for this. I was very, very drunk when I ate curries and therefore didn’t realise I was basically eating lava.

Now I only drink a little here and there, and hence don’t get arseholed, I came to the conclusion that eating hot curries is not for me. Indeed my ‘rusty bullet hole’ has had a reprieve from passing something that would be less uncomfortable if it were actually on fire.

So flavour wins the game and Biryani is the Indian dish for me.

Obviously when you have a sit-down at an Indian as a rule Poppadoms and the selection of dips is a must. These have been a much of a muchness at the above restaurants but good none-the-less.

However I recently visited the Bengal Brasserie at Malvern, where a good ten of us had our nose-bag, and I was introduced—by Kev–to Boti Kebab as a starter. It seems to be Lamb and is bright red. I highly recommend this. Delicious.

So therefore I would like to recommend to you, dear reader, a couple or three good establishments that serve a good tasty dish:-

Turmeric Gold

http://www.turmericgold.com/

Crockhurst Street
Tudeley
Tonbridge
Kent
TN11 0NT
Tel: 01732 361 772 or 359 325

The rice portion was mahoosive and would have fed two.

Light of Asia Indian Restaurant

http://www.lightofasia.co.uk/

34 Eastgate Street
Aberystwyth
Ceredigion
SY23 2AR
Tel: 01970 615040

Big Portions very tasty.

Bengal Brasserie

5-7 Worcester Road
Malvern
Worcestershire
WR14 4QY
Tel:01684 575 744

Very tasty, big, best veggie curry with potato.

Dine Bangla

http://www.just-eat.co.uk/restaurants-dine-bangla/menu

24 Oswald Road
Scunthorpe
North Lincolnshire
DN15 7PT
Tel: 01724 840 500

Very tasty, generous portion.

I would like to thank the following for a great night at the Indian in Malvern, in no particular order –

Kev, Ian, Dez, Nige, Gary, Pete, Andy, Dan and Marcin.

Also the previous night where we all got drunk and abused Ant and Dec in the Unicorn Pub. Thanks.

I find that a truly unique pleasure is to be found in a humble picked egg. Tart from the vinegar and yet somehow sweet. A little packet of that wonderful umami inducing protein enriched goodness. Soft enough to melt in the mouth yet al dente enough to offer a little resistance to the teeth. Bliss

I’ll have two of course

Recently the people on the Scunthorpe Telegraph newspaper and website were asked to name their favourite Chip Shop in the area.

I did this myself, voting for Excel Fisheries on Rowland Road, Scunthorpe. It’s a great chippy and I have been going there for the best part of 20 years. It has improved by quite a margin since the owner took a back seat to pursue other interests, leaving his misses to do the cooking. Good move in my opinion because even though the chips are OK when he cooks, she actually puts a bit of colour in them!

Anyway, the good people of Scunny voted and a chippy of which I have not frequented was a clear winner…

Newland Fryer, Newland Ave, Scunthorpe.

There were a couple of chippies mentioned that I have had the pleasure/displeasure to eat their offerings. The one at Messingham which is good if a little shy with the chips – you need two portions if you’re hungry. Carvers which is shit but immensely popular and Harry’s on Frodingham road, Good, and now the goto chippy in that area since Wilsons (a few years ago the best chippy in town) was shut for Health grounds – Rats and their droppings, enough said.

So, hungry, off I went to Newland Ave and waited in line for my portion of Haddock, Chips and Peas. The off back home for the feast.

Oh how the people of this fine town are wrong. So wrong they are Wrongy McWrong from Wrong town on national lets not be Right day.

On opening the bag the paper was wet with grease. OK you get a bit of this in pretty much any chippy, but the paper was especially wet. Not a good start.

The fish was small. I know catches in the North Sea and Atlantic are declining but the Haddock is a massive fish. If I had gone in and asked for Stickleback I would have been happy with the size. OK so it was small, I have had smaller, but it was tasteless. Flaky white meat held a promise the poor fish that gave it’s life for this moment couldn’t live up to. Sometimes a tasteless fish is saved but the batter it’s clothed in. Not this time, again tasteless. It must be the fat they cook in as you can’t really mess up the recipe for batter. Flour, Salt and water. Maybe the salt police got to them and they missed that out. I don’t know. All I know is the finished product, sat swimming in it’s own pool of grease, tasted less than the paper it was wrapped in.

The peas didn’t taste of bugger all either. As you can see from the picture above, they had plenty of that bright green colour we have come to love and expect from chippy peas, just no flavour.

Now the chips…

What is it that a triumvirate of foodstuffs – Fish, Potato, Pea – can simultaneously look reasonably fine, if a little shiny, be so uninspiring and bland? They were firm and visually cooked to a nice crisp outer. Surprisingly the inner wasn’t mushy like the chips from Carvers. But, and I am beginning to sound like a broken record here, tasteless.

A few hours after the disappointing meal I still had a greasy mouth texture and had to go clean my teeth. Also felt a little queasy, although this could be attributed to the large amount of Fanta drunk to rid me of the foul after affects.

I didn’t finish the meal. Which if you know me you know I can’t abide wasted food.

Verdict

Fish: 4/10 – Chips: 4/10 – Peas 3/10

Recommend? No, go somewhere else.

OK one of my favourite dishes at Yo! Sushi is the Katsu Chicken, this can also be had as a curry—it’s basically the same chicken strips only as the name would suggest it comes as a curry, with rice. This is the dish I order first if I don’t want to go on a 10+ plate orgy of consumption when the belly is willing but the wallet is not. The rice and sauce make the dish filling curtailing any notion of building a tower out of my empties.

Now I thought this was something of a Yo! exclusive. How wrong I was, it’s a common dish. This means I can get a decent Katsu Curry from Tesco—other supermarkets are available—even though it’s not strictly the same product as the Sushi chains. It’s made by a company called ‘The City Kitchen’ you can make that out by the photo above if you squint a bit.

Coming in a plastic container much like a Chinese takeaway does nowadays, there is just enough food to make a meal of it without making a pig of yourself.

Inside that plastic is—and I quote—An authentic Katsu curry sauce with coconut cream & honey, garlic, ginger & red chilli. In accompaniment, fragrant sticky Jasmine rice, with red pepper, water chestnut & spring onion, finished with coriander.

The sauce is not too hot, just right for me. Not greasy either like some ready meals out there which separate and require a good mixing to blend the oil back in. Thickness is important and in this respect all the boxes were ticked, not pissy and not ‘one slice or two’ either. It clung on nicely to the vegetables and succulent chicken breast meat. The latter being white and juicy, the former crisp and fresh.

Then there is the shaped round of that sticky Jasmine rice. I favour the long grain basmati style and this grain fits that ideal perfectly. Easy to part and smother in curry, a loverly texture and flavour. Nicely garnished with Coriander.

So… the rice is soft, the veg crisp and the chicken succulent breast. All in all a great meal, quick and easy and all you need to do having devoured the tasty is wash up a spoon (yes I eat stuff like this with a spoon not a fork, it’s easier and you don’t waste the sauce. I even eat Shepherds Pie like this)

£3.50 well spent.

Well I seem to have stumbled into the finest sausage to pass these slobbering lips. Sainsbury’s Ultimate Outdoor Bread Pork Sausages from their taste the difference range – packaging shown above. They have 97% pork in them. That’s right 97%. Most bangers have 40-50% and the rest is crap they get off the carcass.

There is, as I type, a programme on Channel 4 called Food. It is hosted by the inimitable Jay Rayner. It has been an eye opener and very informative.

Anyway on one of the episodes they talked about sausages. I love sausages and especially like the Lincolnshire sausage – only sage, no parsley or thyme please – but I do like a nice pork one.

Trouble is I’m a crap cook and especially bad at bangers. I either have stripes – as if they were octagonal and there were alternating bands of burnt and raw or burnt all the way round. Not very appetizing for sure. I like to fry but health dictates grill (broil for our American Cousins)

Onto the 97 percenters. I grilled them, but I stood by the grill and gently turned them often and with tongs. No stripage or black bits, cooked all the way through.

Holy shit. What a banger. They were pure meat. There was no gristle, there was no obvious filler. They were nice and firm to the touch. Not greasy or fatty in any way. Biting into them was a joy but the taste. They actually tasted of pork. I have never tasted a sausage that tasted of pork. There was a hint of pepper, onion and a smidge of sage. Not spicy just seasoned right. Delicious.

I hope they continue to offer these delights as I’m hooked. Even the youngest of my offspring loves ‘em and she normally shies away from my chubby monstrosities.

Next time I will fry them, I came across a technique that may work. I also want to try the others in the range. Obviously this require me to sample the Lincs. I think I’m up to the challenge and am willing to take one for the team.

Sausage heaven at last. It’s not often you find a product exactly how you would make one yourself but this is it. They go perfectly with mash, however I might try them in a casserole.

So in conclusion if you like a good porker try these, you’ll love ‘em.

This is the McDonalds Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese. They have just started serving these things at my local Maccys and I want them to stop.

I am trying to loose a little weight you see and now this appears and with it being down right delicious, I cannot resist the pull of the Golden Arches.

I would in all honesty have one every day if i could afford it.

I actually prefer Burger King to Macdonalds. But this makes it worth going in. My youngest daughter prefers McDonalds and we go there when she wants as the choice of meal is hers. Luckily nowadays it is less than once a month. However now I may have to say “What do you want for tea? McDonalds?”

Doubly Cheesily Awesome

While we are on the subject of Maccys, why can’t we have this beauty, in the pic below, over here in Blighty. It is the McRib and looks tasty (yes I know they don’t look like they do in the pic but still I want one, or more)

Food glorious food. I love food, I have tried the meats of quite a few animals –for example: beef, lamb, bacon – oh the bacon – pork, gammon, chicken, goose, duck, partridge, horse, ostrich, venison or curries made of indeterminate breed or species – all delicious. I have tried fruits from around the globe – too numerous to list, all delicious. I have enjoyed vegetables, nuts, grains, pulses and beans of all shapes and sizes that have been presented to me hot and cold – including the truly wonderful Brussels Sprout. Again all delicious.

I would say my favourite ‘type’ of food is seafood. I have a passion for fish, Sea Bass being my No.1 cooked fish and Yellow fin Tuna my preference raw. All kinds of seafood from prawns to whelks; Razor fish to Octopus.

I am getting hungry so enough with the lists, you get it – I like food. Oooh I just thought of toast.

Anyway…

I have sampled cooking from most genres – English, French, Indian, Chinese, Greek, Italian, Cajun, American, Japanese, Thai, Barbeque to name a few.

However there is one foodstuff that is truly and without question the most evil substance with calorific value… the loathsome coconut.

I have had an aversion to this white seed for as long as I can remember. It is all things to do with it. Yes the taste is something I would not like if that was it. But it’s also the texture. If however the coconut is desiccated then a whole extra level of unpleasant is piled on top.

To describe the texture of desiccated coconut I have a little story. Back in the day my wife had a green skirt. This green skirt was made from, if memory serves, polyester. Now we have all worn something made from or with polyester. However this green skirt was made of a polyester with remarkable properties. It had a kind of nap. When dry it was soft and, I don’t know – furry?

Wet straight out of the washing machine however, it took on a strange touch. If you rubbed it between your fingers it had the ability to render your whole arm numb. Tingly at first in the fingers and then just plain numb. That in a nutshell is coconut (‘scuse the intended pun)

It’s like that sound you get when you scrape a knife on a plate. I know it’s a bit tenuous to liken a texture to a sound but you get the metaphor.

I can just about stomach coconut milk in curries, but not coconut flesh. No Korma for me then.

Don’t even show me a Bounty either. I would rather lick the bottom of an ashtray.

Don’t you just love cheese slices? The very idea of them fills me with a gladness that someone in their infinite wisdom could come up with a product so tasty and versatile for the great masses to enjoy and yet be scorned in equal measure by food snobs, luddites and the just plain unadventurous.

Yes, they are perceived by all as ‘plastic’ cheese. Due to their ingredient content they have to be called ‘Cheese Food Slices’. Notice the title ‘Food’ in there? That to me denotes an element of manufacture rather than natural process. As such the powers that be state they cannot be perceived as cheese so they add the food nomenclature. They contain, and I quote: Cheese (60%), Water, Whey Powder, Butter, Emulsifying Salts (Sodium Polyphosphate, Trisodium Phosphate), Milk Proteins, Calcium Phosphate, Natural Colours (Beta-Carotene, Paprika Extract)

So the cheese slices, to any that don’t know they are little square slices of very soft, very yellow cheese individually wrapped in their own little plastic envelope. They are the kind of thing you get on a burger at McDonalds. To call them slices may be a little misleading as I don’t think they are actually sliced. It looks to me like they are formed from a little squirt of thick liquid. No matter. They are delicious. I have a preference for the Tesco own brand items, as they have the best taste and consistency. But to be honest I haven’t found a Cheese Slice I didn’t care for.

I have them on toast, on bagels, on burgers, on chicken burgers, on muffins, on their own and in ham sandwiches. In Haslet sandwiches, crisp sandwiches, in chicken sandwiches, chip butties, bacon butties, fish finger sandwiches, fish cake in a bun, poached egg, on chips (if there is no grated cheese to be found), sausage butties, as the cheese in ham and cheese toasties, there are literally thousands of applications for the humble cheese slice.

As an added bonus, they are only 60 Kcal for each little slice. So they are not at all as fattening as they appear. OK they are laden with heart attack inducing cholesterol but you only live once and it’s not as if that’s all you would eat. They are, as well as things like fish fingers and Pot Noodles, considered shit, real food substitutes that should not be consumed. But that is missing the point of these delicacies.

It’s OK to dumb down once in a while, try it you may be surprised.

It’s quite amazing that a £1.00 piece of white plastic can surprise you into being a great cooking aid. I am referring to the very cheap, very basic, microwave egg poacher. This little gem is the gateway to a great Egg Muffin.

Simple ingredients:

2 English Muffins
2 eggs
2 cheese slices
butter and pepper to taste

Open the lid of the poacher, place an egg in each bowl – for there are two. A little splash of water and then prick the yolk and white with the sharp pointy end of a knife. Close the lid.

Cut the muffins in half and pop in the toaster, set to low. Put the loaded egg poacher in the microwave. I have a category ‘E’ machine so I set it to high for one minute. If you have a different power microwave, experiment with timings. Once that minute has expired, leave them in there standing for a further minute.

By this time your muffins will be done. I am looking for a slight browning of the inner surface. Butter to taste.

At this point I look at the eggs. If they are a little too runny I blast them for another 20 seconds. I do this so as not to spill any yellow goodness whilst eating. It’s a pain in the arse when you bite into the sandwich and the yolk explodes and gets wasted. If however you have poached eggs on top of ‘Beans on Toast’ then forget about the extra time. I digress.

Plop those steamy ovum out of the poachers’ plastic embrace onto one half of the muffin. Next a sprinkle of Black Pepper if that is your thing. Cheese slice. Close the sandwich with the other half of the muffin. The beauty of the plastic microwave egg poacher is the finished egg is pretty much the ideal size and shape to fit on an English muffin.

Eat and enjoy. They are exactly like the McMuffins from McDonald’s but without the Bacon or Sausage element. These can and have been added to the home made recipe at times, but I like the plain old Egg Muffin at chez Tucker.

A glass of orange juice and a great breakfast is made. It’s quick and tasty. Try it.

If there is one meal I love it’s a Sunday Roast. That’s not to say it is restricted to Sunday as the only day you can eat such a hearty meal. When it comes to roast dinners, every day is a Sunday.

Now then, cooking such a feast is all well and good. Yes you can choose your best ingredients and prepare them in your favourite way. I like my carrots a little crunchy, al dente if you will. The oven goes on and the meat gets treated to

whatever preparation is needed for the type. Gammon, for the sake of illustration, gets a good wash and placed in a roasting tin lined with foil, then it gets lovingly covered with a glaze of honey and mild mustard. A goodly slug of water to keep things moist and cover with foil before popping in the oven at a medium heat (about 170°C) for 6 hours. During that time occasionally bring that baby out to top up the water otherwise it just dries out and fails miserably. This method does not include the usual soaking of the joint. Soaking is for the removal of salt, yes I know it’s not good for you, but I like my meat salty so I skip that step.

Likewise the veggies:  sometimes there maybe a little cheat here and there, tinned vegetables, frozen roast potatoes, you know to save the time and bother of pots and pans and 11 steps just for spuds. It usually results in edible but bland spuds but hey I never claimed to be a chef.

Then after the feasting has ended there is the small matter of washing up. There are disproportionately more implements, pots pans and utensils than a meal of any multiple ingredient number should have generated. Still someone has to do it, me, and after a belly full of tasty I really can’t be arsed.

So step up to the plate Carveries. Did you see what I did there, step up to the plate as in the Baseball reference, but used to infer flatware because we are talking about foo… no, OK back to the diatribe.

There are many pubs doing food nowadays, most of which serve up stuff you get out of the freezer section at [insert name of supermarket here], it’s a way of stemming the outward flow of patrons. People go to the pub for the drink and the atmosphere. Trouble is now that smoking is banned in public houses, that atmosphere mostly consists of body odour and urine. Not something to be savoured whilst eating a ploughman’s. So they temp us back in with the smell of gravy (for full disclosure it’s not the smell that temps me it’s the thought. Due to Anosmia, I sadly don’t possess that facility. My Olfactory cavity is a barren wasteland of nothingness)

The Carvery: There are two main chains of pub that do them here in the UK. I am referring to Crown and Toby. Both very good, nevertheless I prefer Crown. Toby do have a pudding that will blow your socks off, Triple Strawberry Sundae, but the main course – the reason for this – is ever so slightly superior at Crown. Plus it’s cheaper and closer to home – always a good thing. We frequent The Green Tree at Hatfield just outside Doncaster, which is a 36 mile round trip.

So, great food – yes
All you can eat spuds, stuffing, Yorkshire puddings and veg – yes
Tasty and succulent meats – yes
Great atmosphere (it’s always packed) – yes
Everybody loves it – yes
No washing up – holy crap yes

At time of writing £3.50 during the week and £5.95 on Sunday is great value. Just think of the mountain of food to be consumed at a cheaper price than a fast food restaurant. Bargain.

Only down side is the omission of onion and cabbage, also sprouts, but they have to cater to the lowest common denominator. Peas, carrots, sweetcorn, cauliflower cheese, green beans are the vegetables on offer as well as new and roast potatoes.

So I say to you if you live in the UK find yourself one of these establishments and try it out. If you likes a roast dinner then you cannot go wrong.

Additionally if you know of a different Carvery chain or a Pub grub place that serves proper food then let me know. I also like a good ploughmans.

EDIT: They have a download for both SatNav and Google Earth HERE.