Food glorious food. I love food, I have tried the meats of quite a few animals –for example: beef, lamb, bacon – oh the bacon – pork, gammon, chicken, goose, duck, partridge, horse, ostrich, venison or curries made of indeterminate breed or species – all delicious. I have tried fruits from around the globe – too numerous to list, all delicious. I have enjoyed vegetables, nuts, grains, pulses and beans of all shapes and sizes that have been presented to me hot and cold – including the truly wonderful Brussels Sprout. Again all delicious.

I would say my favourite ‘type’ of food is seafood. I have a passion for fish, Sea Bass being my No.1 cooked fish and Yellow fin Tuna my preference raw. All kinds of seafood from prawns to whelks; Razor fish to Octopus.

I am getting hungry so enough with the lists, you get it – I like food. Oooh I just thought of toast.

Anyway…

I have sampled cooking from most genres – English, French, Indian, Chinese, Greek, Italian, Cajun, American, Japanese, Thai, Barbeque to name a few.

However there is one foodstuff that is truly and without question the most evil substance with calorific value… the loathsome coconut.

I have had an aversion to this white seed for as long as I can remember. It is all things to do with it. Yes the taste is something I would not like if that was it. But it’s also the texture. If however the coconut is desiccated then a whole extra level of unpleasant is piled on top.

To describe the texture of desiccated coconut I have a little story. Back in the day my wife had a green skirt. This green skirt was made from, if memory serves, polyester. Now we have all worn something made from or with polyester. However this green skirt was made of a polyester with remarkable properties. It had a kind of nap. When dry it was soft and, I don’t know – furry?

Wet straight out of the washing machine however, it took on a strange touch. If you rubbed it between your fingers it had the ability to render your whole arm numb. Tingly at first in the fingers and then just plain numb. That in a nutshell is coconut (‘scuse the intended pun)

It’s like that sound you get when you scrape a knife on a plate. I know it’s a bit tenuous to liken a texture to a sound but you get the metaphor.

I can just about stomach coconut milk in curries, but not coconut flesh. No Korma for me then.

Don’t even show me a Bounty either. I would rather lick the bottom of an ashtray.

Cheese 'Food' Slices

Don’t you just love cheese slices? The very idea of them fills me with a gladness that someone in their infinite wisdom could come up with a product so tasty and versatile for the great masses to enjoy and yet be scorned in equal measure by food snobs, luddites and the just plain unadventurous.

Yes, they are perceived by all as ‘plastic’ cheese. Due to their ingredient content they have to be called ‘Cheese Food Slices’. Notice the title ‘Food’ in there? That to me denotes an element of manufacture rather than natural process. As such the powers that be state they cannot be perceived as cheese so they add the food nomenclature. They contain, and I quote: Cheese (60%), Water, Whey Powder, Butter, Emulsifying Salts (Sodium Polyphosphate, Trisodium Phosphate), Milk Proteins, Calcium Phosphate, Natural Colours (Beta-Carotene, Paprika Extract)

So the cheese slices, to any that don’t know they are little square slices of very soft, very yellow cheese individually wrapped in their own little plastic envelope. They are the kind of thing you get on a burger at McDonalds. To call them slices may be a little misleading as I don’t think they are actually sliced. It looks to me like they are formed from a little squirt of thick liquid. No matter. They are delicious. I have a preference for the Tesco own brand items, as they have the best taste and consistency. But to be honest I haven’t found a Cheese Slice I didn’t care for.

I have them on toast, on bagels, on burgers, on chicken burgers, on muffins, on their own and in ham sandwiches. In Haslet sandwiches, crisp sandwiches, in chicken sandwiches, chip butties, bacon butties, fish finger sandwiches, fish cake in a bun, poached egg, on chips (if there is no grated cheese to be found), sausage butties, as the cheese in ham and cheese toasties, there are literally thousands of applications for the humble cheese slice.

As an added bonus, they are only 60 Kcal for each little slice. So they are not at all as fattening as they appear. OK they are laden with heart attack inducing cholesterol but you only live once and it’s not as if that’s all you would eat. They are, as well as things like fish fingers and Pot Noodles, considered shit, real food substitutes that should not be consumed. But that is missing the point of these delicacies.

It’s OK to dumb down once in a while, try it you may be surprised.

Microwave Egg Poacher, a quid well spent

It’s quite amazing that a £1.00 piece of white plastic can surprise you into being a great cooking aid. I am referring to the very cheap, very basic, microwave egg poacher. This little gem is the gateway to a great Egg Muffin.

Simple ingredients:

2 English Muffins
2 eggs
2 cheese slices
butter and pepper to taste

Open the lid of the poacher, place an egg in each bowl – for there are two. A little splash of water and then prick the yolk and white with the sharp pointy end of a knife. Close the lid.

Cut the muffins in half and pop in the toaster, set to low. Put the loaded egg poacher in the microwave. I have a category ‘E’ machine so I set it to high for one minute. If you have a different power microwave, experiment with timings. Once that minute has expired, leave them in there standing for a further minute.

By this time your muffins will be done. I am looking for a slight browning of the inner surface. Butter to taste.

At this point I look at the eggs. If they are a little too runny I blast them for another 20 seconds. I do this so as not to spill any yellow goodness whilst eating. It’s a pain in the arse when you bite into the sandwich and the yolk explodes and gets wasted. If however you have poached eggs on top of ‘Beans on Toast’ then forget about the extra time. I digress.

Plop those steamy ovum out of the poachers’ plastic embrace onto one half of the muffin. Next a sprinkle of Black Pepper if that is your thing. Cheese slice. Close the sandwich with the other half of the muffin. The beauty of the plastic microwave egg poacher is the finished egg is pretty much the ideal size and shape to fit on an English muffin.

Eat and enjoy. They are exactly like the McMuffins from McDonald’s but without the Bacon or Sausage element. These can and have been added to the home made recipe at times, but I like the plain old Egg Muffin at chez Tucker.

A glass of orange juice and a great breakfast is made. It’s quick and tasty. Try it.

Crown Carvery

If there is one meal I love it’s a Sunday Roast. That’s not to say it is restricted to Sunday as the only day you can eat such a hearty meal. When it comes to roast dinners, every day is a Sunday.

Now then, cooking such a feast is all well and good. Yes you can choose your best ingredients and prepare them in your favourite way. I like my carrots a little crunchy, al dente if you will. The oven goes on and the meat gets treated to

whatever preparation is needed for the type. Gammon, for the sake of illustration, gets a good wash and placed in a roasting tin lined with foil, then it gets lovingly covered with a glaze of honey and mild mustard. A goodly slug of water to keep things moist and cover with foil before popping in the oven at a medium heat (about 170°C) for 6 hours. During that time occasionally bring that baby out to top up the water otherwise it just dries out and fails miserably. This method does not include the usual soaking of the joint. Soaking is for the removal of salt, yes I know it’s not good for you, but I like my meat salty so I skip that step.

Likewise the veggies:  sometimes there maybe a little cheat here and there, tinned vegetables, frozen roast potatoes, you know to save the time and bother of pots and pans and 11 steps just for spuds. It usually results in edible but bland spuds but hey I never claimed to be a chef.

Then after the feasting has ended there is the small matter of washing up. There are disproportionately more implements, pots pans and utensils than a meal of any multiple ingredient number should have generated. Still someone has to do it, me, and after a belly full of tasty I really can’t be arsed.

So step up to the plate Carveries. Did you see what I did there, step up to the plate as in the Baseball reference, but used to infer flatware because we are talking about foo… no, OK back to the diatribe.

There are many pubs doing food nowadays, most of which serve up stuff you get out of the freezer section at [insert name of supermarket here], it’s a way of stemming the outward flow of patrons. People go to the pub for the drink and the atmosphere. Trouble is now that smoking is banned in public houses, that atmosphere mostly consists of body odour and urine. Not something to be savoured whilst eating a ploughman’s. So they temp us back in with the smell of gravy (for full disclosure it’s not the smell that temps me it’s the thought. Due to Anosmia, I sadly don’t possess that facility. My Olfactory cavity is a barren wasteland of nothingness)

The Carvery: There are two main chains of pub that do them here in the UK. I am referring to Crown and Toby. Both very good, nevertheless I prefer Crown. Toby do have a pudding that will blow your socks off, Triple Strawberry Sundae, but the main course – the reason for this – is ever so slightly superior at Crown. Plus it’s cheaper and closer to home – always a good thing. We frequent The Green Tree at Hatfield just outside Doncaster, which is a 36 mile round trip.

So, great food – yes
All you can eat spuds, stuffing, Yorkshire puddings and veg – yes
Tasty and succulent meats – yes
Great atmosphere (it’s always packed) – yes
Everybody loves it – yes
No washing up – holy crap yes

At time of writing £3.50 during the week and £5.95 on Sunday is great value. Just think of the mountain of food to be consumed at a cheaper price than a fast food restaurant. Bargain.

Only down side is the omission of onion and cabbage, also sprouts, but they have to cater to the lowest common denominator. Peas, carrots, sweetcorn, cauliflower cheese, green beans are the vegetables on offer as well as new and roast potatoes.

So I say to you if you live in the UK find yourself one of these establishments and try it out. If you likes a roast dinner then you cannot go wrong.

Additionally if you know of a different Carvery chain or a Pub grub place that serves proper food then let me know. I also like a good ploughmans.

EDIT: They have a download for both SatNav and Google Earth HERE.

Golden Perfection

I love chips me. I do. you can tell because as stated earlier I am rotund, fat, lardy. I’m a fan of the fried potato. So simple; potatoes, fat and of course heat. But why is it so difficult to cook the perfect chips?

Oh, a clarification for all you loverly peoples from the US and A – Chips are what you would call ‘fries’. I know chips to you are what we in the UK call crisps. They are different. I love ‘em both. Crisps is a subject for another time, here we will concentrate on chips.

Anywho, now we have cleared up the semantics of the fried potato let us move onto a bit of a rant. I know variety is the spice of life and I know people have their own tastes and all that but how is it that it’s very hard to find the ideal chip. The ideal chip ladies and gentleman is a chip that is cooked in very hot fat, until it is golden and just on the cusp of going brown on the points and corners. The result is a chip of such immense flavour and texture as to tickle you taste buds into a frenzy of ecstasy. Crispy on the outside, fluffy on the inside.

For instance we have a great chippy not 200yds from where I live – Excel Fisheries – and two ways of cooking. They use real dripping for their cooking liquid which is the fat of choice. So we have the same potatoes and the same frying medium in the same fryers in the same shop. This is where the similarity stops unfortunately. OK so both the following scenarios produce chips which are better than most admittedly but that doesn’t detract from the fact there is a clear gap in the deliciousness of the finished product.

When the gentleman of the shop is on cooking duty the chips. . . well they look and feel as if he has just shown the potatoes to the fat. They are anaemic to be honest. They still taste great for sure, but the visual and textural aspects are sadly lacking. It’s also a suspicion of mine that the fat is not of the high and required temperature to give them a golden glow… even if he left them in long enough that is. However salvation is upon us as most of the time the lady of the shop is on the rota more often than not. She has the fat so hot it smokes, she has the knowledge and fortitude to leave them there potatoes in the fat for a goodly long time, until a golden hue radiates from every stick of spud. Oh heaven.

The way I have described also leaves the chips dry. A lot of chippies in this humble little corner of Lincolnshire produce soggy, wet, greasy chips. My in-laws are in the wet soggy greasy camp. They shun the ideal; crisp, golden dry chip, with a paucity of regard to their taste receptors. Each to there own I suppose, but who’s writing this?

Portion size is another issue that boils my piss. At my local mentioned above we have a medium portion that is enough to fill, but not so much you feel bloated. Some decide that a single scoop is sufficient. They would be wrong. There is a chippy in a village a few miles away that does fish patties. These are a slice of fish sandwiched between two slices of potato and then battered. No chippy that I know of in town does these, they are sublime by the way, so off we go to the village in question only to be confronted with a portion of chips that makes even McDonald’s medium fries look generous. (McDonald’s, and Burger King for that matter, they are not chips they are fries. So they don’t count.)

The opposite is true of the best chippy in town. It’s called Wilson’s and it been here that long that even my Dad went there in the 60’s. The chips are the best made in Scunny, plus the portion size is massive, I’m not joking here, you can feed two grown men on one portion. It’s the same with the kebabs. Jebus they are big!

There is nothing quite like ‘Chips and Peas’ in the fresh air, better still if the air in question is cold, preferably salty like at the seaside.

Now I have travelled the length and breadth of this fine land of ours, as far south as Lands End and as far North as Wick. As far east as Great Yarmouth and west as Aberystwyth. All over the place and in most of the places I have been, I have indulged myself in bag of chips. Therfore due to this vast knowledge of the fried potato I would like to name the ‘Best Chip Shop in the UK’

The Chippy, the Best

The Chippy

90 Old Christchurch Rd

Bournemouth, BH1

.

Crisp, hot, golden and with Salt and Vinegar – Perfect chips

The fish was cooked to perfection granted, but the chips are where it’s at and they were sublime and fully deserved of the accolade bestowed upon it by this lover of chips.

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They can’t brew a decent beer in the south but man can the do a chip.

Cadbury Wispa, loverly light choccy bar.

This months, and many months previous, favourite chocolate bar is the Wispa.

I loved this choccy treat the first time it was out and about. Now they have deemed it financially viable to re-introduce such a smooth taste sensation, I can love it some more.

It’s basically just chocolate. Bubbles and chocolate. But it’s so smooth and creamy that it just seems more. Yes you can eat a Dairy Milk, that has the same taste due to it being the same chocolate. The bubbles however, just make the masticating experience velvety smooth in your mouth.

Quite high praise for just chocolate. No nuts, caramel, nougat or that weird stuff in the middle of Milky Ways.

I just wish they were bigger. Maybe a minty version. That would be nice.

Ketchup, Brown Sauce and Daddies - another brown sauce that's a little bit fruitier

So me and my youngest Daughter are having our Tea* in McDonalds and I was casually reading the menu. I noticed the breakfast menu had Bacon Roll with Heinz Tomato Ketchup.

I said “that’s wrong – bacon butties should be with Brown Sauce” but she pointed out that they go equally well with Ketchup.

This got us thinking and we couldn’t come up with a food or meal that you couldn’t/shouldn’t put Ketchup on

(no puddings)

Can you?

With two Hash Browns Please

Hang on, I’ll just click into rant mode… Click.

First things first, I love McDonalds ‘Double Sausage and Egg McMuffins’, truth be told I like all of the breakfast menu – the bagels, the bacon the egg, the fruit and last but not least the Hash Browns. The “scrambled” egg they put in the Big Breakfast is admittedly naff. Edible but naff.

Why, oh why, oh why do they have to stop serving these delicious, if artery clogging, meals at 10:30am. What’s wrong with that picture.

Don’t get me wrong, I like a Cheeseburger and fries, I love the Deli Sandwiches and the salads. It has to be stated here and now that the burgers at Burger King are better for sure, but I still like a Big Mac now and again. And like my youngest daughter, I devour McNuggets like they are going out of fashion.

But, breakfast items are where its at. I’m not here to debate the relative nutritional value, or lack thereof, of McDonalds food. Or any other fast food outlet you care to frequent.

No, my beef  (no pun intended) is with timings and menus. I asked a couple of managers and the official excuse – I say excuse, McDonalds would say something in management speak I refuse to type – is that they can’t put pork and beef on the same grill.

Hmmm, am I missing something here or would two grills, one for pork and one for beef, be too much to ask. McDonalds have money coming out of every orifice, surely they can afford another grill. Doesn’t have to be a big one, just enough to satisfy the desires of Muffin munchers such as myself. They introduced a new workstation, with new equipment, for the excellent Deli sandwiches. So it’s not as if there isn’t room either. Then again there are Bacon versions of most of the Burgers and Chicken.

I suppose they have highly paid, highly educated, consultants who state that people don’t want breakfast food after 10:30 and that Burgers, Salads and Deli’s are the order of choice in the evening.

They would be wrong.

Not completely wrong I concede, but wrong in the sense of not being completely correct. OK I’m just one nobody from a nowhere town, but a lot of people I know are with me on this one. I wonder how many agree with the notion of eating what they want when they want. McDonalds have the ingredients laying about in the fridge. Offer it for sale and maybe, just maybe, more people would eat there.

So come on McDonalds let me eat the things I want to eat.

“Double Sausage and Egg McMuffin please – yeah I know it’s 8 o’clock at night but so what!”

Yo! chicken katsu

I love Sushi. I particularly love it from Yo! Sushi. There have been many a word written both on the interwebitubes and in print media extolling the virtues of sushi. I just like the taste.

There are many restaurants in the capital, London, that serve sushi. I have been lucky enough to frequent the odd one or several. In my quest to find ‘nice’ sushi I hit upon Yo!

Me and a friend, Scott, found ourselves in Leicester Square one evening. We were in London on a job and decided to go into the centre and see the sights, drink the beer and eat the food.

So we went to sample the delights of ‘fresh off the belt’ sushi. Basically you sit around the preparation area with a little belt running around the outside, onto which the chef places the little coloured bowls of food. The colours denote the price and when you finish the cashier tots up your dishes and charges you accordingly.

I must say it was expensive but worth it. We must have eaten sixteen plates between us. There are so many dishes to choose from. Raw fish is the main staple of sushi but there are also cooked dishes as well as chicken and beef.

Having been a few times now, and bought the book, I have a few favourites to go with my Japanese Green Tea.

First of which is the Chicken Katsu Curry. Now with this you get it served in a bowl of rice. This is a way of curbing you spending. If cost is not a worry and you don’t mind laying down upwards of £40 then don’t start with this. Just order the Chicken Katsu. Same taste – no rice. It makes for a cheaper meal by filling you up more, therefore you don’t keep plucking delicious dishes off of the belt.

Then there is the Sashimi – tuna is best. Iso rolls – Yo! roll is my fave. Nigiri – Yellowtail (hamachi) Yum!

Basically I like it all. I did have a slight aversion to an Ikura Gunkan, served once in Bristol, but I think it was because the roe was still slightly frozen.

I haven’t mentioned the taste, texture or smells. Nor have I mentioned the whole menu – which is available from the Yo! Sushi website http://www.yosushi.com/yo_restaurant_menu.php

Just go. Go sample the delights. I have introduced several people to the Yo! experience and all has been positive.

There is now a Yo! Sushi in Meadowhall, Sheffield. I just need to convince the kids raw fish is nice.

Is it me? I love fried eggs, but I’m particular in the way they are cooked but more so in the way they are consumed.

The best way, for me at least, to cook an egg to perfection is a three point plan.

• Point 1: Don’t have the oil – or to be really great, lard – too hot. It makes the white bubble, not good, and produces that brown crap around the edge and underneath, also not good. A perfect fried egg’s white should be just that, white.
• Point 2: Don’t, I repeat Don’t, ever, and I mean it, pop the yolk whilst cracking the egg into the pan. Ever.
• Point 3: Flick not flip. Flick the oil/lard over the yolk. Don’t flip the egg – this could produce the nightmare situation of yolk sack breakage. Too horrible to contemplate.

We have the perfectly cooked chicken ovum on our plate. Time to eat the treat. Now I have been called weird and strange – on more than one occasion, and to be honest on many a subject * – but I eat my eggs in a regimented and structured way.

First off, I cut the white off, using straight cuts with the knife. So as the yolk and a little white is left. Then I eat the rest of the breakfast or dinner. It has to be stated here and now that a ‘Full English Breakfast’ is the daddy of all meals, and a personal favourite.

Then, once the meal has been consumed. The Yolk. Slip it onto the fork with care and attention, mustn’t break that delicate membrane keeping all that yellowy goodness intact. One fluid motion and it’s in the pie-hole. Slowly break the seal with the tongue, and let the flavour flood out into the mouth and then I take my time to savour that flavour, for it is a fleeting pleasure. And remember, there is nothing more heart breaking than egg-yolk on porcelain.

And there we have it, the perfect fried egg experience. I have been eating eggs this way for as long as I can remember and today at work, a kindred spirit arose from the mire of philistine yolk breakers. Brian, a gentleman of advancing years revealed his credo of egg consumption. Exactly as above described.

I am not alone.

( * buttered Weetabix anyone? )