Oh the much maligned, much loved, marmite of the vegetable world – the Brussels Sprout. How I love thee. You little green ball of tastiness.

It’s that time of year again – Xmas – and these little buggers come out in their bright green coats by the million. A good thing if like me you can’t get enough of ‘em.

Recently I found myself in a Toby Carvery next to the hotel we were staying in. Now as previous posts will attest I loves me some Sunday dinner. I don’t mind which franchise (Toby or Crown) they have their strengths and weaknesses, but Toby – to their credit – do Sprouts at this time of year.

So we eat the carvery on the Monday which includes plenty of Sprouts. Due to our inherent laziness, and the fact that I was down with a cold we did the same Tuesday. Nice

Lots of sprouts then. I mean a lot, I can easily eat a plate full with a nice gravy and a splash of bread sauce. Hungry?

So the next night me and m’colleague went, as a change, to the TGI Fridays down the road. To our surprise there was a choice of three hotels near here and as we were going to be working again in the vicinity we thought it would be an idea to ask about rooms. As we came out of the eating establishment we walked over to the Holiday Inn Express to ask.

Now as I have had two nights of Brussels which, as we all know have ‘side-effects’ – and now a mahoosive rack of the most delicious, tender, sweet, fat-free, cooked to perfection ribs – which in me also have the same ‘side-effect’…

I needed to fart.

Being the polite old duffer that I am I reasoned that to stop me blowing off with any noise or smell, I’d better step outside. This meant exiting through a double set of sliding doors. So I did. Unfortunately this arrangement of plate glass opening panels created a vestibule of echo and amplification. I got outside and thinking they were closed – let rip.

It was a good and wholesome botty cough and I was proud and a little amused at my gaseous exchange. Turning round I noticed to my utter amusement the doors were not closed. I walked off into the car park laughing.

M’colleague still in the foyer of the hotel had to ask about rooms and tariffs whilst everybody was looking at the staff who, knowing he had come in with me, were sporting displeased expressions. They had stopped mid sentence/action to see which filthy bugger had farted so loudly and lengthily. That would be me.

So yes, Brussels famous for generating wind so indeed. It will not stop me eating them. In fact it probably increases my consumption. So when you have your Sprouts don’t forget…

Let it out Load and Proud.

My favourite meal from an Indian restaurant at the moment is Chicken Tikka Biryani (Cooked with basmati rice, flavoured with saffron, served with vegetable curry.)

It’s just as I like a curry – not spicy hot but a little zing. I like flavour not heat. I used to go through hot curries like there was no tomorrow; Vindaloo, Madras etc. However I have discovered the reason for this. I was very, very drunk when I ate curries and therefore didn’t realise I was basically eating lava.

Now I only drink a little here and there, and hence don’t get arseholed, I came to the conclusion that eating hot curries is not for me. Indeed my ‘rusty bullet hole’ has had a reprieve from passing something that would be less uncomfortable if it were actually on fire.

So flavour wins the game and Biryani is the Indian dish for me.

Obviously when you have a sit-down at an Indian as a rule Poppadoms and the selection of dips is a must. These have been a much of a muchness at the above restaurants but good none-the-less.

However I recently visited the Bengal Brasserie at Malvern, where a good ten of us had our nose-bag, and I was introduced—by Kev–to Boti Kebab as a starter. It seems to be Lamb and is bright red. I highly recommend this. Delicious.

So therefore I would like to recommend to you, dear reader, a couple or three good establishments that serve a good tasty dish:-

Turmeric Gold

http://www.turmericgold.com/

Crockhurst Street
Tudeley
Tonbridge
Kent
TN11 0NT
Tel: 01732 361 772 or 359 325

The rice portion was mahoosive and would have fed two.

Light of Asia Indian Restaurant

http://www.lightofasia.co.uk/

34 Eastgate Street
Aberystwyth
Ceredigion
SY23 2AR
Tel: 01970 615040

Big Portions very tasty.

Bengal Brasserie

5-7 Worcester Road
Malvern
Worcestershire
WR14 4QY
Tel:01684 575 744

Very tasty, big, best veggie curry with potato.

Dine Bangla

http://www.just-eat.co.uk/restaurants-dine-bangla/menu

24 Oswald Road
Scunthorpe
North Lincolnshire
DN15 7PT
Tel: 01724 840 500

Very tasty, generous portion.

I would like to thank the following for a great night at the Indian in Malvern, in no particular order –

Kev, Ian, Dez, Nige, Gary, Pete, Andy, Dan and Marcin.

Also the previous night where we all got drunk and abused Ant and Dec in the Unicorn Pub. Thanks.

Well I seem to have stumbled into the finest sausage to pass these slobbering lips. Sainsbury’s Ultimate Outdoor Bread Pork Sausages from their taste the difference range – packaging shown above. They have 97% pork in them. That’s right 97%. Most bangers have 40-50% and the rest is crap they get off the carcass.

There is, as I type, a programme on Channel 4 called Food. It is hosted by the inimitable Jay Rayner. It has been an eye opener and very informative.

Anyway on one of the episodes they talked about sausages. I love sausages and especially like the Lincolnshire sausage – only sage, no parsley or thyme please – but I do like a nice pork one.

Trouble is I’m a crap cook and especially bad at bangers. I either have stripes – as if they were octagonal and there were alternating bands of burnt and raw or burnt all the way round. Not very appetizing for sure. I like to fry but health dictates grill (broil for our American Cousins)

Onto the 97 percenters. I grilled them, but I stood by the grill and gently turned them often and with tongs. No stripage or black bits, cooked all the way through.

Holy shit. What a banger. They were pure meat. There was no gristle, there was no obvious filler. They were nice and firm to the touch. Not greasy or fatty in any way. Biting into them was a joy but the taste. They actually tasted of pork. I have never tasted a sausage that tasted of pork. There was a hint of pepper, onion and a smidge of sage. Not spicy just seasoned right. Delicious.

I hope they continue to offer these delights as I’m hooked. Even the youngest of my offspring loves ‘em and she normally shies away from my chubby monstrosities.

Next time I will fry them, I came across a technique that may work. I also want to try the others in the range. Obviously this require me to sample the Lincs. I think I’m up to the challenge and am willing to take one for the team.

Sausage heaven at last. It’s not often you find a product exactly how you would make one yourself but this is it. They go perfectly with mash, however I might try them in a casserole.

So in conclusion if you like a good porker try these, you’ll love ‘em.

Food glorious food. I love food, I have tried the meats of quite a few animals –for example: beef, lamb, bacon – oh the bacon – pork, gammon, chicken, goose, duck, partridge, horse, ostrich, venison or curries made of indeterminate breed or species – all delicious. I have tried fruits from around the globe – too numerous to list, all delicious. I have enjoyed vegetables, nuts, grains, pulses and beans of all shapes and sizes that have been presented to me hot and cold – including the truly wonderful Brussels Sprout. Again all delicious.

I would say my favourite ‘type’ of food is seafood. I have a passion for fish, Sea Bass being my No.1 cooked fish and Yellow fin Tuna my preference raw. All kinds of seafood from prawns to whelks; Razor fish to Octopus.

I am getting hungry so enough with the lists, you get it – I like food. Oooh I just thought of toast.

Anyway…

I have sampled cooking from most genres – English, French, Indian, Chinese, Greek, Italian, Cajun, American, Japanese, Thai, Barbeque to name a few.

However there is one foodstuff that is truly and without question the most evil substance with calorific value… the loathsome coconut.

I have had an aversion to this white seed for as long as I can remember. It is all things to do with it. Yes the taste is something I would not like if that was it. But it’s also the texture. If however the coconut is desiccated then a whole extra level of unpleasant is piled on top.

To describe the texture of desiccated coconut I have a little story. Back in the day my wife had a green skirt. This green skirt was made from, if memory serves, polyester. Now we have all worn something made from or with polyester. However this green skirt was made of a polyester with remarkable properties. It had a kind of nap. When dry it was soft and, I don’t know – furry?

Wet straight out of the washing machine however, it took on a strange touch. If you rubbed it between your fingers it had the ability to render your whole arm numb. Tingly at first in the fingers and then just plain numb. That in a nutshell is coconut (‘scuse the intended pun)

It’s like that sound you get when you scrape a knife on a plate. I know it’s a bit tenuous to liken a texture to a sound but you get the metaphor.

I can just about stomach coconut milk in curries, but not coconut flesh. No Korma for me then.

Don’t even show me a Bounty either. I would rather lick the bottom of an ashtray.

If there is one meal I love it’s a Sunday Roast. That’s not to say it is restricted to Sunday as the only day you can eat such a hearty meal. When it comes to roast dinners, every day is a Sunday.

Now then, cooking such a feast is all well and good. Yes you can choose your best ingredients and prepare them in your favourite way. I like my carrots a little crunchy, al dente if you will. The oven goes on and the meat gets treated to

whatever preparation is needed for the type. Gammon, for the sake of illustration, gets a good wash and placed in a roasting tin lined with foil, then it gets lovingly covered with a glaze of honey and mild mustard. A goodly slug of water to keep things moist and cover with foil before popping in the oven at a medium heat (about 170°C) for 6 hours. During that time occasionally bring that baby out to top up the water otherwise it just dries out and fails miserably. This method does not include the usual soaking of the joint. Soaking is for the removal of salt, yes I know it’s not good for you, but I like my meat salty so I skip that step.

Likewise the veggies:  sometimes there maybe a little cheat here and there, tinned vegetables, frozen roast potatoes, you know to save the time and bother of pots and pans and 11 steps just for spuds. It usually results in edible but bland spuds but hey I never claimed to be a chef.

Then after the feasting has ended there is the small matter of washing up. There are disproportionately more implements, pots pans and utensils than a meal of any multiple ingredient number should have generated. Still someone has to do it, me, and after a belly full of tasty I really can’t be arsed.

So step up to the plate Carveries. Did you see what I did there, step up to the plate as in the Baseball reference, but used to infer flatware because we are talking about foo… no, OK back to the diatribe.

There are many pubs doing food nowadays, most of which serve up stuff you get out of the freezer section at [insert name of supermarket here], it’s a way of stemming the outward flow of patrons. People go to the pub for the drink and the atmosphere. Trouble is now that smoking is banned in public houses, that atmosphere mostly consists of body odour and urine. Not something to be savoured whilst eating a ploughman’s. So they temp us back in with the smell of gravy (for full disclosure it’s not the smell that temps me it’s the thought. Due to Anosmia, I sadly don’t possess that facility. My Olfactory cavity is a barren wasteland of nothingness)

The Carvery: There are two main chains of pub that do them here in the UK. I am referring to Crown and Toby. Both very good, nevertheless I prefer Crown. Toby do have a pudding that will blow your socks off, Triple Strawberry Sundae, but the main course – the reason for this – is ever so slightly superior at Crown. Plus it’s cheaper and closer to home – always a good thing. We frequent The Green Tree at Hatfield just outside Doncaster, which is a 36 mile round trip.

So, great food – yes
All you can eat spuds, stuffing, Yorkshire puddings and veg – yes
Tasty and succulent meats – yes
Great atmosphere (it’s always packed) – yes
Everybody loves it – yes
No washing up – holy crap yes

At time of writing £3.50 during the week and £5.95 on Sunday is great value. Just think of the mountain of food to be consumed at a cheaper price than a fast food restaurant. Bargain.

Only down side is the omission of onion and cabbage, also sprouts, but they have to cater to the lowest common denominator. Peas, carrots, sweetcorn, cauliflower cheese, green beans are the vegetables on offer as well as new and roast potatoes.

So I say to you if you live in the UK find yourself one of these establishments and try it out. If you likes a roast dinner then you cannot go wrong.

Additionally if you know of a different Carvery chain or a Pub grub place that serves proper food then let me know. I also like a good ploughmans.

EDIT: They have a download for both SatNav and Google Earth HERE.

I love chips me. I do. you can tell because as stated earlier I am rotund, fat, lardy. I’m a fan of the fried potato. So simple; potatoes, fat and of course heat. But why is it so difficult to cook the perfect chips?

Oh, a clarification for all you loverly peoples from the US and A – Chips are what you would call ‘fries’. I know chips to you are what we in the UK call crisps. They are different. I love ‘em both. Crisps is a subject for another time, here we will concentrate on chips.

Anywho, now we have cleared up the semantics of the fried potato let us move onto a bit of a rant. I know variety is the spice of life and I know people have their own tastes and all that but how is it that it’s very hard to find the ideal chip. The ideal chip ladies and gentleman is a chip that is cooked in very hot fat, until it is golden and just on the cusp of going brown on the points and corners. The result is a chip of such immense flavour and texture as to tickle you taste buds into a frenzy of ecstasy. Crispy on the outside, fluffy on the inside.

For instance we have a great chippy not 200yds from where I live – Excel Fisheries – and two ways of cooking. They use real dripping for their cooking liquid which is the fat of choice. So we have the same potatoes and the same frying medium in the same fryers in the same shop. This is where the similarity stops unfortunately. OK so both the following scenarios produce chips which are better than most admittedly but that doesn’t detract from the fact there is a clear gap in the deliciousness of the finished product.

When the gentleman of the shop is on cooking duty the chips. . . well they look and feel as if he has just shown the potatoes to the fat. They are anaemic to be honest. They still taste great for sure, but the visual and textural aspects are sadly lacking. It’s also a suspicion of mine that the fat is not of the high and required temperature to give them a golden glow… even if he left them in long enough that is. However salvation is upon us as most of the time the lady of the shop is on the rota more often than not. She has the fat so hot it smokes, she has the knowledge and fortitude to leave them there potatoes in the fat for a goodly long time, until a golden hue radiates from every stick of spud. Oh heaven.

The way I have described also leaves the chips dry. A lot of chippies in this humble little corner of Lincolnshire produce soggy, wet, greasy chips. My in-laws are in the wet soggy greasy camp. They shun the ideal; crisp, golden dry chip, with a paucity of regard to their taste receptors. Each to there own I suppose, but who’s writing this?

Portion size is another issue that boils my piss. At my local mentioned above we have a medium portion that is enough to fill, but not so much you feel bloated. Some decide that a single scoop is sufficient. They would be wrong. There is a chippy in a village a few miles away that does fish patties. These are a slice of fish sandwiched between two slices of potato and then battered. No chippy that I know of in town does these, they are sublime by the way, so off we go to the village in question only to be confronted with a portion of chips that makes even McDonald’s medium fries look generous. (McDonald’s, and Burger King for that matter, they are not chips they are fries. So they don’t count.)

The opposite is true of the best chippy in town. It’s called Wilson’s and it been here that long that even my Dad went there in the 60′s. The chips are the best made in Scunny, plus the portion size is massive, I’m not joking here, you can feed two grown men on one portion. It’s the same with the kebabs. Jebus they are big!

There is nothing quite like ‘Chips and Peas’ in the fresh air, better still if the air in question is cold, preferably salty like at the seaside.

Now I have travelled the length and breadth of this fine land of ours, as far south as Lands End and as far North as Wick. As far east as Great Yarmouth and west as Aberystwyth. All over the place and in most of the places I have been, I have indulged myself in bag of chips. Therfore due to this vast knowledge of the fried potato I would like to name the ‘Best Chip Shop in the UK’

The Chippy, the Best

The Chippy

90 Old Christchurch Rd

Bournemouth, BH1

.

Crisp, hot, golden and with Salt and Vinegar – Perfect chips

The fish was cooked to perfection granted, but the chips are where it’s at and they were sublime and fully deserved of the accolade bestowed upon it by this lover of chips.

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They can’t brew a decent beer in the south but man can the do a chip.

So me and my youngest Daughter are having our Tea* in McDonalds and I was casually reading the menu. I noticed the breakfast menu had Bacon Roll with Heinz Tomato Ketchup.

I said “that’s wrong – bacon butties should be with Brown Sauce” but she pointed out that they go equally well with Ketchup.

This got us thinking and we couldn’t come up with a food or meal that you couldn’t/shouldn’t put Ketchup on

(no puddings)

Can you?

Hang on, I’ll just click into rant mode… Click.

First things first, I love McDonalds ‘Double Sausage and Egg McMuffins’, truth be told I like all of the breakfast menu – the bagels, the bacon the egg, the fruit and last but not least the Hash Browns. The “scrambled” egg they put in the Big Breakfast is admittedly naff. Edible but naff.

Why, oh why, oh why do they have to stop serving these delicious, if artery clogging, meals at 10:30am. What’s wrong with that picture.

Don’t get me wrong, I like a Cheeseburger and fries, I love the Deli Sandwiches and the salads. It has to be stated here and now that the burgers at Burger King are better for sure, but I still like a Big Mac now and again. And like my youngest daughter, I devour McNuggets like they are going out of fashion.

But, breakfast items are where its at. I’m not here to debate the relative nutritional value, or lack thereof, of McDonalds food. Or any other fast food outlet you care to frequent.

No, my beef  (no pun intended) is with timings and menus. I asked a couple of managers and the official excuse – I say excuse, McDonalds would say something in management speak I refuse to type – is that they can’t put pork and beef on the same grill.

Hmmm, am I missing something here or would two grills, one for pork and one for beef, be too much to ask. McDonalds have money coming out of every orifice, surely they can afford another grill. Doesn’t have to be a big one, just enough to satisfy the desires of Muffin munchers such as myself. They introduced a new workstation, with new equipment, for the excellent Deli sandwiches. So it’s not as if there isn’t room either. Then again there are Bacon versions of most of the Burgers and Chicken.

I suppose they have highly paid, highly educated, consultants who state that people don’t want breakfast food after 10:30 and that Burgers, Salads and Deli’s are the order of choice in the evening.

They would be wrong.

Not completely wrong I concede, but wrong in the sense of not being completely correct. OK I’m just one nobody from a nowhere town, but a lot of people I know are with me on this one. I wonder how many agree with the notion of eating what they want when they want. McDonalds have the ingredients laying about in the fridge. Offer it for sale and maybe, just maybe, more people would eat there.

So come on McDonalds let me eat the things I want to eat.

“Double Sausage and Egg McMuffin please – yeah I know it’s 8 o’clock at night but so what!”

I love Sushi. I particularly love it from Yo! Sushi. There have been many a word written both on the interwebitubes and in print media extolling the virtues of sushi. I just like the taste.

There are many restaurants in the capital, London, that serve sushi. I have been lucky enough to frequent the odd one or several. In my quest to find ‘nice’ sushi I hit upon Yo!

Me and a friend, Scott, found ourselves in Leicester Square one evening. We were in London on a job and decided to go into the centre and see the sights, drink the beer and eat the food.

So we went to sample the delights of ‘fresh off the belt’ sushi. Basically you sit around the preparation area with a little belt running around the outside, onto which the chef places the little coloured bowls of food. The colours denote the price and when you finish the cashier tots up your dishes and charges you accordingly.

I must say it was expensive but worth it. We must have eaten sixteen plates between us. There are so many dishes to choose from. Raw fish is the main staple of sushi but there are also cooked dishes as well as chicken and beef.

Having been a few times now, and bought the book, I have a few favourites to go with my Japanese Green Tea.

First of which is the Chicken Katsu Curry. Now with this you get it served in a bowl of rice. This is a way of curbing you spending. If cost is not a worry and you don’t mind laying down upwards of £40 then don’t start with this. Just order the Chicken Katsu. Same taste – no rice. It makes for a cheaper meal by filling you up more, therefore you don’t keep plucking delicious dishes off of the belt.

Then there is the Sashimi – tuna is best. Iso rolls – Yo! roll is my fave. Nigiri – Yellowtail (hamachi) Yum!

Basically I like it all. I did have a slight aversion to an Ikura Gunkan, served once in Bristol, but I think it was because the roe was still slightly frozen.

I haven’t mentioned the taste, texture or smells. Nor have I mentioned the whole menu – which is available from the Yo! Sushi website http://www.yosushi.com/yo_restaurant_menu.php

Just go. Go sample the delights. I have introduced several people to the Yo! experience and all has been positive.

There is now a Yo! Sushi in Meadowhall, Sheffield. I just need to convince the kids raw fish is nice.

Is it me? I love fried eggs, but I’m particular in the way they are cooked but more so in the way they are consumed.

The best way, for me at least, to cook an egg to perfection is a three point plan.

• Point 1: Don’t have the oil – or to be really great, lard – too hot. It makes the white bubble, not good, and produces that brown crap around the edge and underneath, also not good. A perfect fried egg’s white should be just that, white.
• Point 2: Don’t, I repeat Don’t, ever, and I mean it, pop the yolk whilst cracking the egg into the pan. Ever.
• Point 3: Flick not flip. Flick the oil/lard over the yolk. Don’t flip the egg – this could produce the nightmare situation of yolk sack breakage. Too horrible to contemplate.

We have the perfectly cooked chicken ovum on our plate. Time to eat the treat. Now I have been called weird and strange – on more than one occasion, and to be honest on many a subject * – but I eat my eggs in a regimented and structured way.

First off, I cut the white off, using straight cuts with the knife. So as the yolk and a little white is left. Then I eat the rest of the breakfast or dinner. It has to be stated here and now that a ‘Full English Breakfast’ is the daddy of all meals, and a personal favourite.

Then, once the meal has been consumed. The Yolk. Slip it onto the fork with care and attention, mustn’t break that delicate membrane keeping all that yellowy goodness intact. One fluid motion and it’s in the pie-hole. Slowly break the seal with the tongue, and let the flavour flood out into the mouth and then I take my time to savour that flavour, for it is a fleeting pleasure. And remember, there is nothing more heart breaking than egg-yolk on porcelain.

And there we have it, the perfect fried egg experience. I have been eating eggs this way for as long as I can remember and today at work, a kindred spirit arose from the mire of philistine yolk breakers. Brian, a gentleman of advancing years revealed his credo of egg consumption. Exactly as above described.

I am not alone.

( * buttered Weetabix anyone? )